Bros arrived like a comet in the firmament in 1988, when I was 12 years old and had big front teeth. I hated them.
They made me angry. They made me angry because they were a symbol of all the things that I didn’t understand, like haircuts, clothes, dancing and certain new and ambivalent feelings towards girls.
I turned my back on this world of shame and terror, and gratefully embraced all that was reassuringly uncool; Queen, Dire Straits, geography lessons and fantasy role-playing games. As a result, I never had sex with anybody until after I left school.
You’d think that I would still bear Luke Goss some kind of grudge for that, but the intervening years have been good to me and I am reconciled with my past. Indeed on many counts I have been proved correct, such as my refusal to wear shiny black shoes with white socks and my jeans turned up.
Instead of feeling sorry for my younger self, I now worry retrospectively for the Goss twins, especially Luke who as the frontman seemed to have the more tortured, artistic soul of the two. I wonder what happened to them once the tide of fame receded; whether their long-term aspirations and dreams were ever fulfilled, whether they ever found true comfort in the arms of another.
It seems I had no cause for concern on the career front. I may be a little behind the curve on this one, but I read today that Luke has just made his Hollywood breakthrough in Guillermo del Toro’s new Hellboy movie, in which, according to the New York Times, he plays “an angry blond elf-prince who robs an auction house and whose twin sister bleeds maple syrup whenever he is injured.”
I wonder if Matt ever bled maple syrup when Luke got nicked on the ear with the hair clippers.
The New York Times reviewer makes no reference to Luke Goss’s past, whether through ignorance or tact I have no idea. The overall review of the film is favourable, but Luke’s presence is enough on it’s own for me to book my front-row ticket. The kids who pitch up at their multiplex will no doubt accept the angry blond elf-prince without a second thought, but we can say that we knew him back when he was just a boy like us who wanted to be famous.
Luke was the drummer – not the frontman – and the critics for the most part seem to love his performance in this film. He was also in Blade 2 which he got alot of praise for
Millie – no way, Luke was the drummer? Well, they’re twins, how was I supposed to know? coughgooglecough.
I hated Bros because of their inhuman cheekbones and general smugness. Now it’s all made clear – they never were human, they are in fact elves and if you prick them they ooze (smugly) rather than bleed.